The Democrats rolled into Chicago for their big convention with all the pizzazz of a soggy napkin. They were desperate to sell the image of a rejuvenated party but somehow managed to dodge any press interviews with their top candidates like they were allergic to tough questions.

And then there’s the matter of Tim Walz, their vice-presidential pick, who was introduced with all the fanfare of a “command sergeant major.” Except, oops, he never actually earned that title. You’d think someone would have done a quick fact-check before making that announcement. But hey, this is the same party that’s apparently fine with handing out military accolades like participation trophies.

Walz’s military career has a particularly well-timed exit, too—he left just as his unit was gearing up for deployment to Iraq. The man has impeccable timing, so if you consider bailing on your team a skill worth celebrating, maybe they should’ve introduced him as the “Master of Convenient Exits” instead.

Meanwhile, Politico, ever eager to paint the Democrats in the best light possible, gushed over what they called a “party lacking in drama.” Sure, if you conveniently ignore the fact that President Joe Biden was unceremoniously booted from the ticket like yesterday’s leftovers. And if you happen to overlook the organizers scrambling to manage a crowd of pro-Palestinian demonstrators who seemed determined to turn the convention into their personal protest stage.

“Democrats are disciplined, orderly, and united around Vice President Kamala Harris,” a Politico article declared, as if we’re all supposed to ignore the circus happening just outside the convention doors. Next, they’ll tell us that pigs can fly and that a balanced budget is just around the corner.

And speaking of that circus, Chicago didn’t disappoint in providing a bit of political theater. Before the convention even kicked off, “hundreds” of anti-Israeli protesters decided to take over the streets, causing road closures. Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker, who probably wished he’d taken a vacation that week, had to deploy the National Guard to keep things from completely spiraling out of control.

After all, what’s a Democratic convention without a healthy dose of chaos? It’s practically tradition at this point. But don’t let the chaotic streets and internal squabbles fool you—the Democrats are all about unity, or at least that’s what they want you to believe. In reality, it’s more like a reality TV show reunion where everyone’s secretly—or not so secretly—at each other’s throats. Top Democrats are reportedly still seething over Biden’s forced exit from the ticket, trying to keep a lid on their resentment long enough to fake a united front.

Oh, and just to showcase the Democrats’ razor-sharp preparedness, the DNC’s 91-page platform—dropped right before the convention—still endorses President Biden’s “second term.” Because nothing screams “we’ve got it together” like endorsing a guy who’s already been booted off the ticket. Never mind that Biden’s been unceremoniously sidelined; they’re sticking to the script like nothing’s changed. Meanwhile, Biden himself is as addled as ever while Kamala Harris takes the spotlight.

Of course, no Democratic convention would be complete without a little blame-shifting, and this time, they’re pointing fingers at the Republicans for Biden’s border crisis. Because why take responsibility when you can just blame the other side? According to the DNC platform, it’s the Republicans who are blocking Biden’s “bipartisan” border security proposals. Right. Never mind that the proposals were more about rubber-stamping chaos than solving it. But hey, why let facts ruin a perfectly good scapegoat?

So, there you have it: a convention full of forced unity, self-inflicted chaos, and a whole lot of pretending everything’s just fine.