Bookies Give Hunter Biden -525 Odds as White House Cocaine Culprit

Byron Key /
Byron Key /

It’s a mystery worthy of a Scooby-Doo special: who left cocaine in the White House? It’s a case worthy of its own episode of Unsolved Mysteries if the Secret Service is to be believed. 

To recap, “Cocainegate” started with the discovery of a “mysterious substance” in a phone cubicle in the West Wing lobby of the White House. The entrance, restricted to staff and distinguished visitors, is not one used by common tourists. The substance prompted an evacuation and later identified as cocaine. 

Ever helpful, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierredodged questions and defended the president and his son Hunter. “As you know, the President and the First Lady and their family were not here this weekend, as you all reported on this and as you also know that they left on Friday and returned just yesterday,” Jean-Pierre said.

“Where this was discovered is a heavily traveled area where many White House, West Wing, I should be even more specific, West Wing visitors come through this particular area. I just don’t have anything more to share.” 

Her answer skillfully avoids the obvious. Hunter was present prior to the Camp David trip, and the cocaine left at any point before the first family left for their vacation. 

Per Jean-Pierre, White House staff are already “subjected to rigorous guidelines that include drug testing.” Hunter, a known crack-addict, is not. For most Americans with common sense, a guilty Hunter holds the smoking crack pipe.  

In fact, bookies are betting on it. 

Hunter is the clear frontrunner for BetOnline, a sportsbook located in Panama, New York. He is the heavily favored culprit, with odds of -525. Other potential owners on the list are more whimsical, including Matthew McConaughey, Tom Brady, “one of the Jonas brothers,” Paris Hilton, and the president and first lady.  

Rival sportsbook, Sportsbetting, agrees with the lineup, heavily favoring Hunter over the Jonas Brothers, but Costa-Rican sportsbook Bovada disagrees. The site heavily favors “a tour guest” by -400 odds, with Hunter following at +200 odds. The site also wagers on a janitor, crime boss “Scarface” Tony Montana, and former president Trump. 

Trump wasted no time in blasting the Biden family, writing on Truth Social, “Does anybody really believe that the COCAINE found in the West Wing of the White House, very close to the Oval Office, is for the use of anyone other than Hunter & Joe Biden?” 

He went on to add, “But watch, the Fake News Media will soon start saying that the amount found was ‘very small,’ & it wasn’t really COCAINE, but rather common ground up Aspirin, & the story will vanish.” 

As usual, Trump’s prediction seems poised to come true. The Secret Service is setting itself up to end the investigation without “uncovering” the culprit. On July 6, a source within the Secret Service claimed that the investigation is still ongoing and that, despite fingerprinting, security footage, and DNA technology, the illusive criminal may never be found.  

Oddly, security footage showed January 6th protestors throughout the building are not able to capture surveillance showing someone placing cocaine in the West Wing of the White House. 

This isn’t the first time cocaine or other drugs have been linked to the White House. FDR was prescribed cocaine for sinus infections, a popular treatment for the condition at the time.

JFK allegedly smoked pot in a White House bedroom and received amphetamine shots for back pain by the original Dr. Feelgood, Max Jacobsen. Willie Nelson smoked pot on the White House roof with former president Jimmy Carter’s son, Chip. 

But for Hunter Biden, the stakes have never been higher (pun intended). As part of his sweetheart deal dismissing his felony gun possession charges, Hunter must “stay clean” for two years. 

It’s in the best interest of the White House than the “mysterious culprit” remains a mystery, but it’s still a bet that sportsbooks and gamblers are taking “seriously.” The investigation is set to end early next week, solved or not. 

Ruh roh, Scooby Doo fans. You may never see the mystery solved or hear Hunter rant, “And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren’t for you meddling Trump supporters!”